Being accountable
“Accountability is mankind’s greatest obstacle. All our challenges stem from that.” Marcus Aurelius
Disgrace sometimes comes from false or unfair claims. Some accusations, even after an acquittal or vindication, are severe enough to damage one’s reputation no matter the outcome. But often, one’s downfall can be connected to a specific set of poor decisions. Consequences, both natural and man-made, are inevitable when one screws up and it is our nature to try and portray ourselves as innocently as we possibly can. We highlight any inconsistencies or faults in the accusation made with the hopes to instil at least some doubt in our potential critics. No matter the loophole or technicality, sometimes we are legitimately guilty and there is a need to be held accountable. How do we do so without losing any remaining sense of self worth?
One important distinction comes from irreverent writer Mark Manson on the differences between fault and guilt. Many of us, and our detractors will hammer on the issue of fault. “This company, marriage, or science project imploded and it’s all your fault!” Finding fault may be necessary in times of post-hoc evaluations but fault is essentially a focus on the past. Obsessing about who is at fault, if it isn’t for some forensic or insurance purpose, is not likely to get anyone anywhere emotionally. Fault is the past.
Responsibility is about the present. This one shift can help you retain some of your power when you may not be feeling very much at all. Taking responsibility means you no longer dwell on what happened but on what can be done about it now. Maybe there is clear restitution to be made, in which case you can do so. Maybe there is a specific apology that would be useful (more on that later). Taking responsibility means you go through the steps in the here and now to recognize the role you played in the incident and repair as much damage as you reasonably can.
The problem with much of the “holding people accountability” discourse of today is that online mobs seem to want anything but accountability. They want punishment, debasement, and disgrace. They want to see wrongdoers suffer and crawl on their hands and knees through broken glass in order to restore their own sense of justice but they do not want accountability.
Crimes and moral infractions alike cannot be undone. You can’t unbreak someone’s nose with your fist and you can’t unsleep with the poolboy. The damage is done. If we are looking for who is at fault, the bottom line might be that you are and the faster you admit it the better. But that doesn’t help anyone heal in any sense. Even with measurable transgressions like stealing or lying you can’t easily undo the damage. Sure, you can return the money and tell the truth but the real hurt comes from your victim realizing that they can’t trust you with their property or your word anymore. That is much harder to repair. So if you are guilty, yes you admit that it was you but do not focus on your fault. Focus on your responsibility, which is what you can do about it now.
There isn’t a one size fits all rule here but think of it this way. If you accidentally ran into neighbour with your vehicle and broke their legs you should apologize, take responsibility for the accident, and cooperate with police and insurance companies to make sure the neighbour gets whatever reparations needed, however, you cannot do the physical therapy for them. Often when we hurt someone we put our effort into trying to erase our actions as if somehow you can unbreak their legs. We try and explain our intentions so that even though their legs are broken, at least they won’t think you did it to them on purpose. All of that is to assuage your conscience, not make the situation better.
Accountability might look like making arrangements so that your neighbour can still go to that Guns & Roses concert or bringing a meal over because he can’t stand at the stove to cook for himself. It might look like recognizing that you were distracted on your phone so you are committed to keeping your phone in the glove department while you drive from here on out. It might also mean leaving them alone to heal and being more mindful about your driving moving forward. Yes, you should feel sorry for causing the accident but there is no amount of additional mental anguish on your part that will repair their legs. The point is you will be less likely to fall into a shame/depression spiral if you can find at least something that you can do about the situation and how to improve it or learn from it.
Being accountable is not about getting forgiven either. If you do, that’s wonderful, but forgiveness is really more about relief for the person who is holding the resentment anyway. If you make this situation about you seeking forgiveness it puts your shame above the emotional damage of the victim in the first place. In some ways it’s like an emotional highjacking. You can apologize for the sake of recognizing the part you played and the regret you have but don’t turn your apology into a dramatized attempt to squeeze forgiveness out of the person you hurt. They will forgive you when they are ready and when you have shown that you can actively move forward and improve from this situation.
If your situation is public, then being accountable becomes tricky. As mentioned above, some of the people most actively seeking for “accountability” just want to see you bleed and you should not give them the satisfaction. There are probably specific people to whom you should apologize and with whom you should rebuild trust but you will not be able to demonstrate proper accountability to everyone. For some there is no amount of action that will ever be enough. The key is still to move forward with power and responsibility as you mend whatever fences are possible and make the appropriate adjustments to your behaviour and demeanour. You don’t sweep things under the rug but you also don’t have to wear it on your forehead for the rest of our life either.
Accountability is about being fairly and appropriately evaluated for your performance or behaviour. Maybe at work there are those who are in positions in which it is appropriate, expected and necessary to evaluate your behaviour. At home, your loved ones will also evaluate you. We have a legal system to evaluate us. Outside of those, and maybe a few other key areas, you do not need to heed the evaluations of every one that offers one, particularly online.
In conclusion, it feels awful to be held accountable for your mistakes. Nobody likes it. It is a bitter medicine. But it is indeed a medicine that is far more favourable than not taking it at all. In the heat of disgrace we are tempted to find any balm to ease the burn of accountability but if we avoid it altogether we miss out on the chance to truly develop strength and character. Your guilt is heavy but it is also one of the best motivators for making deep, long lasting changes that will make you better and stronger in the long run.
This is your chance.