Don't try to recover on your own
“Recovery can take place only within the context of relationships; it cannot occur in isolation. In renewed connections with other people, the survivor recreates the psychological faculties damaged or deformed by the traumatic experience.”
Judith Herman
Social injury pushes the person who is damaged into isolation. As if deformed the injured one hides their blemishes from the eyes of others, unable to withstand even the possibility of further scorn. While understandable, this restricts the opportunities for recovery, pushing them deeper into despair.
Yes, your recovery is ultimately up to you and much of it depends on taking accountability for your mistakes and your actions moving forward but this does not mean locking yourself in a cage to tough it out alone. Taking accountability means facing other people who have the capacity to judge you but who also might connect with you in a way that can propel you to heal.
When you have safe, intimate bonds with other people, they reflect who you are back at you in a way that even a mirror cannot. Solitude is unlikely to provide as much insight as an empathically curious relationship could.
It is in the eyes and heart of the other that your demons truly emerge to be examined and remedied. We do this inadvertently all of the time. We project onto others our worst views of ourselves, we worship and envy others who represent our underdeveloped parts, and we exert power over others when we feel powerless. Just a few examples of the many unconscious patterns that form so much of who we are and what ails us psychologically that can only be manifested in a relationship.
Being decimated by a social injury usually involves an earthing of at least some malicious or misaligned portion of our personality that needs to be looked at and changed. Even if your accusers are unfair and dishonest they are still pointing at a painful part of you that needs to be altered.
The trick is finding someone who has the capacity to be with you despite your demons and your intense vulnerability at this moment. Not everyone is up for the task. A good place to start is someone else who has also been humbled and crushed by public embarrassment or failure. Someone else who knows what it’s like to lose big in a visible way. Being able to relate is important but it’s people like this who are also most likely to be gentle with you and your frailties while still telling you the truth. With such a fragile ego it will be nice to speak with someone who knows what it’s like and who won’t dismiss your hypersensitive insecurities.
It sounds naive to some that “all you need is love.” But love in its many forms provides more than just topical relief from pain. Love provides the arena in which some of your most painful but necessary self awarenesses can take place. Love allows you to learn what you need to make a long last recovery.