How to heal through others
“Recovery can take place only within the context of relationships; it cannot occur in isolation. In renewed connections with other people, the survivor recreates the psychological faculties damaged or deformed by the traumatic experience.”
Judith Herman
Life can throw us some real curve balls and sometimes we even throw them at ourselves. Our mistakes make us feel unworthy of love and connection. Other people’s judgment and cruel behaviour adds to this feeling. Heaven and hell is other people as Sartre said, so we might be tempted to “figure it out on our own” or “take some time just for me”. We want time to heal and discovery ourselves. Get some space.
This is emotional superstition.
Creating time for ourselves is often a well needed break from the storm but it will not stop the storm nor facilitate healing from its damage. Healing is vulnerable and sensitive because it requires another soul. We need to heal in relationships which is bad news for some of us who are awful at building and keeping emotional bonds. But it’s something that is necessary for recovery nonetheless.
As a society we are conflicted ideologically speaking. We are still have an individualistic culture and value “being ourself”, “speaking your truth”, and authenticity. But we also abhor the selfishness that arises from individualism’s shadow. We are growing more collectivist as we look at social and environmental problems that require cooperation and the suppression of our selfish desires. As important as being true to yourself is, it is an emotional dead-end when it comes to your recovery.
Many will try and sooth you by telling you that you’re good and your problems are all due to the evil in other people. This is wonderful to hear and occasionally a blessing but it does not lead to improvement.
Many of your mistakes occur, and reoccur, because your pathology has a pattern. Certain people might remind you of the caregivers who neglected you. Some situations will bring you back to when you had to fight for attention from your peers. Some people have an uncanny ability to make you feel inferior and react like you’re 4 years old. There is evil and ugliness within you that comes out in reaction to other people. We are unable to see it within us but we project it onto other people so that we can blame them instead of ourselves. It is in relationships that our unhealthy idiosyncrasies emerge and therefore be examined. We don’t make deep self-discoveries while staring at sunsets. It’s the only way we can identify your particular pattern of pathology that keeps coming back to hurt you. It has to be with someone else.
The trick of course, is finding someone who can handle your patterns and not react to them in a way that drives you further into your pathology. That’s what most of us do to each other eventually. This is why, a trained therapist is often a good idea (by trained what I really mean is someone who has extensive experience receiving their own therapy and therefore understands the process). If a therapist like that is not available or feasible, you’re going to have to find someone or likely, some people with whom you can cautiously share for your trauma.
The more you understand the mechanics of the transference of emotions, the more you and your emotional allies can mine the unconscience for material that needs processing. It’s not through examining all the bad things that happened to you or the myriad of ways your parents let you down. It’s by noticing how those topics and others make you react when you’re in the presence of one person versus another. It’s becoming aware of what comes up for you when you’re with someone who is also struggling or needing something from you or who pronounces their ‘r’ the same way your first boyfriend did who dumped you.
The things that need to change are inside you and come out sneakily in certain situations with other people. You will never gain the necessary insights by yourself. You need willing partners to be the projection screen for your demons. Not everyone is up for it. You may not be up for it. But it’s what needs to happen.