If you're not your worst mistakes, what are you?
A common self-help mantra is that you should not let yourself be defined by your worst mistakes. Even the ultra-wise physicist and quote factory Richard Feynman has agreed. So let’s assume for a moment that it’s true and you should not actually define yourself by your most recent bout with public disgrace. This is easier said than done though because when the weight of social shame and stigma is crushing you it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain an integral sense of self.
We’ve been using terms like social death and character assassination because your “self” is truly on life support. You lose a sense of who you are and who you could ever be now that you’ve lost so much status and esteem. So much of your “self” is built on the stories and evaluations of others and now your story is one of shame and defeat. Surely the self isn’t entirely constructed of the propaganda and judgments of others!
From the Temple of Apollo at Delphi to Immanuel Kant to Drake, we’ve been admonished to know ourselves so as to understand our internal motives and behave in a way that matches our “true nature”. But once again, defining our nature is a challenge for even the deepest of thinkers. In the 21st century we tend to be obsessed with using our immutable characteristics to define our “selves”. Race, gender, and sexuality become the jerseys used to signal identity but these all prove too shallow and general to come close to distinguishing any individual person.
To fully define a ‘self’ is likely a rather complex equation but let’s, for the sake of argument, simplify it from a psychoanalytic perspective. You are what you desire. Your desires arise from unconscious needs. It’s the purest and deepest source of identity.
So as we return to initial question, what is it that you desire now that your life has exploded? Perhaps you once sought fame and recognition and now that you’ve received it for all the wrong reasons you desire anonymity. Maybe you desire a restitution of your reputation or revenge for the person who slandered you. Maybe you desire mercy from the mob. Whatever it is you desire right now, it is defining you. This principle is one of the most important aspects of your recovery. Whether it’s shame or vengeance, if it is your heart’s desire it will consume you.
These desires come from an unconscious place. It would be naive of me to suggest that you should just change what you want to fit your situation but there is a process of self reflection that will help you align your unconscious will to a more meaningful and productive target. Dale Carnegie, essentially the first self-help author and probably to this day the best, argued that “success is getting what you want but happiness is wanting what you get.” Recovering from disgrace requires that you know yourself which means to know your desires, but not necessarily so that you can just satisfy them. Once you know your desires you can challenge them and direct them so that it is your natural inclination to pursue goals that will truly resonate with your unconscious needs. You don’t actually want revenge you just think it will make you feel better (spoiler it won’t). The relief you’re seeking might be shallow. It might have more to do with reputation repair than relationship.
When Feynman stated that we shouldn’t let ourselves be defined by our biggest mistakes he continued, “its what you do after your mistakes that define you.” This social and emotional catastrophe has ripped your life to shreds and maybe it’s largely due to your own poor choices and reactions, but now is the time to establish your legacy. How you act after making large mistakes is how you discover who you are. You can align your desires so that learning is your highest priority and self actualization is your ultimate goal. You may never regain your social status or popularity but you can still make a large and positive impact in the world.
Let that be your strongest desire. Your deepest prayer.