Social death and dishonour
Societies have values just like individuals do and just like with individuals they generally act in accordance with their highest values. It’s the carrot directing their decisions. For instance, some societies value financial success or productivity and they act accordingly. Members of such a society measure their own value largely in relation to their financial worth. A culture like this motivates people to work hard but it also encourages some to send over-exaggerated signals, to cheat and even steal from others. Every incentive system has its tradeoffs.
It is argued that in the western world we have entered an era of having care as the dominant value, particularly the care of those least fortunate. The tradeoffs in this system are that while more unfortunates get the necessary assistant they need, there are incentives for people to over-identify and even exaggerate their shortcomings in order to receive care from society. It has turned everyone into an unfortunate. This also has shifted society’s inherent censorious nature towards controlling speech that could be interpreted as unkind, reducing freedom of expression.
Societal value systems also change over time leading to shifts in the collective behaviour and the policing of its norms. Prior to the age of care, or the age of productivity, we lived in a society that elevated honour. Many cultures today still place honour atop the hierarchy of values and virtues. An honour society is able to more easily motivate people to contribute to the collective. Honour and prestige can cost a society nothing in economical terms to distribute but it can bring immense value to the individual or family who receives it. Reputation becomes paramount. Honours societies can convince young men to die for everyone else as long as they will bring honour to their family in doing so. It is a powerful motivator.
While honour is no longer the predominant virtue in most western cultures (outside of maybe the American south), it still plays a significant role in shaping society and its diverse communities. In particular, online social networks have created a quantifiable social credit system of sorts, whose economy is driven by attention, likes, and shares. Businesses rely on favourable Google and Amazon reviews more than they ever did the Better Business Bureau. What is said about you online becomes your eternal reputation. Make or break, or usually, make first and then break later.
In honour society the ultimate punishment is to bring shame and a lack of respect to your family name. The iniquity of the fathers affects up to three or four generations in God’s warning in Deuteronomy. One’s ability to conduct business, form bond, and event to just exist at times relies at least partially on the good will associated with their name.
The question becomes, what happens to those whose name no longer has value? For how long does and should someone’s dishonour last?
Even in our hyper-individualistic society, one person’s sins can tarnish the reputation of an entire group or family. Take Majid Wadi for example. He is a Palestinian refugee who started a successful grocery chain in Minneapolis until in 2020 when the unsavoury tweets that his daughter Lianne made in 2012 when she was 16 resurfaced and the mob came after him. Even after her public apology, and him firing his own daughter, the cultural revolutionaries did not stop their cancellation campaign and Wadi lost so much business he had to layoff 69 employees. In this case it was the sins of the daughter being visited on the father. The sentiment of the cancellers was that Lianne’s terrible opinions must have come from her family so it was bests to boycott every product and store associated with them.
When someone brings disgrace and dishonour upon themselves it tends to stick to the family as well. The crowd is so convinced that all bad apples come from bad barrels. The family is guilty by association. This can become particularly stressful if it involves someone with a rare last name. I’m assuming that all of the other Hitler and Dalmer families have since chosen to change those names. Some dishonour will stick longer than a few generations.
Dishonour to the family is the ultimate collectivist sin but like everything it can still offer a unique advantage to the affected. It is one thing to feel small and unworthy in social circles but it is devastating to see your mistakes bring down your loved ones. Seeing your family suffer for your sins is what makes it such a potent punishment to wrong doers. Not all is lost though. When someone’s reputation, as well as that of their family, is tarnished, all pretences are eviscerated. With your back against the ropes and nothing to lose you can transcend the rules of this often cruel social game. When your motivation is to win, or at least to not lose, you become obsessed with the rules of the game. In this case, your reputation is the most valuable resource. Once you’ve lost that game you might be able to reposition yourself from a vantage point outside of it.
If you no longer have the esteem of the many you can still refocus your attention on fostering the connection and esteem of the few that matter most. In your shame, you will find others who are willing to weather the storm of dishonour and judgment just to be at your side. Most will not. But those who do are demonstrating a remarkably valuable sacrifice. Like a plant that has been aggressively pruned, your resources have, by force and necessity, been routed to where it is most needed. From there as you invest in your relationships you can actually experience social richness despite your lowly state.
Quality over quantity.
Maybe in your shame you have lost some key relationships. If it’s possible at all, make amends with the people most important. If you find yourself in the unenviable position of having lost your key relationships do not lose hope. There is a strangely profound camaraderie that can be achieved among those who have struggled and lost. Once you leave the land of the living you will find that there are plenty of misfits existing outside of the social hierarchy.
Like George Bailey learning what the meaning of life is by seeing what life is like if he didn’t exist, you are now seeing what life is like outside of polite society. This is a great opportunity to see what matters most and to invest in it.
By investing in the right relationships you can actually regain and surpass your social position that you enjoyed prior to your social dismembering. It may not be a status that is vast or easily noticeable but in its depth you will find a more valuable treasure.