What if you're the villain?
“Nobody is a villain in their own story.” - G.R.R. Martin
People who have had their character attacked publicly are tempted to cling to whatever amount of innocence they can. They are used to their “goodness” being tied to their purity so they fight to maintain it. No matter how guilty they are or how much damage their mistakes have caused they will try and craft a narrative that is as generous as possible. It is a psychological defence and is expected.
But being accountable is not the same as being vindicated and the pursuit of one often comes at the cost of the other.
While no one wants to be the villain there can be a lot gained in confidence and even social standing when someone who has sinned against the collective admits that they have behaved like a villain. Deep down we all have the capacity to do awful things and no one escapes this life unblemished. This means that while we abhor a villain we can somewhat understand them in most cases. What people really reject is a villain who tries to maintain moral high ground by making excuses.
In the “reality television” game of Survivor, contestants live in a secluded jungle, gradually voting each other off until in the end the voted off castmates get to choose who will be their seasons winner. It is a unique microcosm of the human social need to simultaneously cooperate while you compete with those around you. The finalists plead their case to the jury, who they had a hand in voting out, trying convince them that their tactic of getting to the end was superior to the other finalists. In a game that involves deceit and treachery, the finalists must now gain the favour of the jury and often all into the trap of trying to look virtuous and honest to people whose dreams of winning a million dollars they ruined. In season 42, firefights Mike Turner played a remarkable game that, as far as Survivor games go, was fairly honest but it all took a turn for the worse when he tried to make himself look more honest than the jury (which objectively he probably was).
The point is people will get over it if you’re bad but they really don’t like being told that you are better than them. Being accountable involves accepting that you are, at least in part, a villain. If Mike had told the jury, “I got you out and I was ruthless in doing so” it makes them retain their moral authority and they would have been more likely to overlook his sins and give him the million dollars. Instead they awarded the victory to Mary-Anne who was likeable but not trying to come off as a saint. So even though her game was less impressive strategically, her final approach of strength and accountable was the million dollar ticket.
Survivor is just a game but it puts human psychology in an arena where we can dissect and analyze it. You should not immediately take the blame for every unfair and untrue accusation made against you but you will find that fighting for your innocence is not likely to get you very far either.
Sometimes admitting that you are a villain and that sometimes you are selfish and egotistical and impulsive relieves your accusers from the the dissonance of having to see you as a moral human being. They won’t be willing to do that right off the bat anyway, so you skip the attempts at sympathy and go straight to accountability. You admit, “Yes, I messed up and I am going to pay for it. I am the villain in someone else’ story and I am not going to add to their hurt by trying to make myself look better than them.” The hero needs to win and this case you might be the hero.
Allow the hero to win in that storyline so then you can return to yours. While you might be the vanquished foe in the their story, yours now has the opportunity for a rising phoenix.