What to expect when expecting a cancellation
Fear can be managed because it is specific. It has parameters. If I’m afraid of snakes I can either avoid them or use exposure therapy to attempt to overcome that fear. Anxiety is more general. It falls upon us not because of a specific threat because of the uncertainty or anticipation of a potential threat. This is why it is harder to cope with anxiety. This is why we live in the safest era of human history and have more anxiety than our ancestors who were constantly in wars. We don’t know what to expect in life.
Getting publicly disgraced opens a portal into the chaos that has always existed but from which we had been sheltered. Like cold Atlantic water filling the hull of the Titanic, we start to swim in the water of disorder. There are real threats to being cancelled and there are endless possibilities of further threat and quickly we realize that we have no idea where to put our limited resources to try and stop the bleeding.
Here I attempt to give you somewhat of an idea of what might happen after you experience a public accusation or the publication of your worst mistakes.
The Bad News
Online Vitriol - Some people love an excuse to treat others badly. Your misstep, be it alleged or not, will unleash the masochists who are hungry for new flesh. You are not likely to get much hate in person. Even someone as controversial and hated as Jordan Peterson rarely meets with negativity to his face. But online, the cowards can’t help themselves. Like a pack of hyenas they will tear your story apart, making assumptions and interpretations both to hurt your reputation and to justify their nastiness. The online public square removes whatever decency we hold for one another and emboldens many to type the things they dream about being able to have the guts to say in real life. Online they don’t need to back up their claims and rarely will they be held accountable for being a part of a “pile-on”. Online forums and social media platforms will not be a safe place for a while, maybe even ever for you. Time might pass and you’ll think it’s safe until some random finds the online evidence of your disgrace and passive aggressively mentions you with a “this you?” threat. This is an invitations for another pile-on as a new group of online haters learn your story for the first time and provide their expert two cents. It’s pretty much a guarantee that you will get hit with it, the question is to what extent? You can mitigate the harm by staying offline, taking screenshots of any violent posts, and definitely not engaging with them. Any attempt to explain your situation will be a waste of time and probably make it worse. These people are not the type who look for the benefit of the doubt.
Silence from friends/colleagues - There is that heart wrenching scene in Les Miserables when the revolutionaries hit the streets after the funeral parade of General Lamarque. They are counting on the people to join their ranks to fight what they see as a tyrannical government that needs to be overthrown. They had done it once and now it was time to do it again. Only this time the people stayed shuttered in. There was too much to lose. There was little hope of victory. And perhaps the people were not as bought in to the revolutionary cause as previously assumed. You have been, or will be soon, placed on the gallows and destined for stoning. Your last line of defence would be for your allies to intervene, stepping in front of the barrage to save you. This is highly unlikely and may not even be ideal in the first place. Most people who would defend you are doing so because they like you. When they advocate for you online the haters will just see them as biased, although the gesture is still nice. In addition, your allies have a lot to lose too and you wouldn’t want them to lose status or stability for sticking their necks out for you. The truth is, most of us are cowards and the mob is intimidating. You expect those who dislike you to disparage you but it can be particularly hurtful to be met with the deafening sound of your friends’ silence. Some will not even acknowledge you. This might be out of disgust or disapproval but usually it is because they don’t know how to act around the living dead. You have become radioactive and they aren’t sure what a safe distance is to keep from you. Disgrace appears to us a socially contagious virus and many will treat it with more caution and fear than they did COVID in May of 2020. You are now an outcast and a misfit. You have lost friends and acquaintances and you’ll have to accept that.
Being Blacklisted - One part of being on the outs socially is that you are actually less of a human to some people. Normal rights and privileges that you previously enjoyed and took for granted may be gone temporarily or for good. You might find it hard to get roommates or a landlord willing to lease to you. Getting a job will be difficult even if you don’t have a criminal record, as many human resource specialists will use Google in their background checks.You might be blacklisted at some businesses even as a patron. You may even find it hard to volunteer for organizations. Your radioactive reputation precedes you and if and when people find out about it, even if you made a good first impression they will not be likely to risk their own reputation by being associated with you. Every interaction that you have with a new person is a potential for getting rejected. Usually they won’t do so to your face but you’ll find out later that you are not welcome somewhere or that such and such a person no longer wants to associate with you. They won’t say why but you know.
Fear and Paranoia - Since every interaction now holds the potential of judgment and rejection you will likely fear social situations. This will be particularly true with anyone new or with whom you haven’t spoken since the publication of your story. Everyone has some level of a paranoid personality style but whatever yours is, get ready for it to be multiplied. Like an insecure teenager you will assume every private conversation is about you and that every snicker in the corner is about you. The world was always a potentially dangerous place but now you see the actual danger. We develop psychological protections in our maturity like optimistic outlooks and resilient defences but those will be significantly diminished with your drop in status so threats will seem to be lurking around every corner. You also will question your ability to handle anymore stressors so whatever problem pops up will seem like an insurmountable task.
A desire for the end - Being cancelled is like being depersoned. It’s a social death. You’re still breathing and moving around but you are not alive in the sense that you used to be. The financial stress is hard to bear and the lack of social support makes it even harder but it’s the sense of not being a person anymore that pushes many towards considered ending life all together. It’s one thing to be in incredible pain but losing your personhood leads you to believe that you will never have the capacity to feel relief. Your reputation is the story that is told about you and you have worked your entire life to develop the story in a certain way. Now that story is one of shame and disgrace and it is tempting to close the book. Take UNC-Wilmington Professor Mike Adams for example who was a provocateur of sorts, known to challenge social norms. After years of colleagues and students trying to silence him he was pushed into early retirement due to offensive tweets in 2020 and then shortly after died by suicide. Or the previously mentioned Ontario teacher, Richard Bilkszto, who also died by suicide after being bullied by a diversity and equity consultant contracted by the school division. These were two men who were known for standing up against the mob for what they believed was right. They had each spent 60 odd years battling conformity and fighting for underdogs in their own right and yet the sudden depersoning was a final straw that seemingly proved unbearable. You may not have suicidal thoughts but if you do you are in the company of many. Even the most resilient of rebels can be pushed to the brink. Don’t let it surprise you and talk to someone you can trust if it’s the case.
Grieving - Social death is not just a metaphor. Likely your life as you knew it, no longer exists. Part of surviving disgrace is accepting the fact that some elements of your life are over. Dead. You wish so badly to be able to change the past that you obsess over it. This keeps you in a painful purgatory. You will experience your own version of denial, bargaining, anger, and depression. You will probably revisit these phases multiple times. The point is, this is not just a difficult time that you are going through; it is grief and loss, and not metaphorically speaking. The truth is that all of us, in one sense must grieve the loss of the person we wish we were, the legacy we wish we would have eventually left. Nobody with virtuous ideals lives up to them perfectly. We all fall shorts of the grace of God, but some people fall farther and harder than others.
The Good News
Secret Support - Not everyone hates you but the cost to publicly support you might be too high for those in your social circles. At the very least you may receive emails or texts from the people who believe you are being mistreated or that the public reaction is heavy handed. Writer Josh Katz calls them the bravest of cowards. While getting public support would be nice it is still refreshing to discover that you have quiet supporters sprinkled throughout the community. Don’t take these people for granted. Now is not the time to resent them for their silence. Take an ally in whatever form you can find them. Having other people join you in cancellation doesn’t necessarily make your situation better and it harms them. You don’t want that.
Relief - Believe it or not you will experience relief. Your situation may take a long time to improve and your reputation may never be truly recovered to where it was before but you will be able to breath. Sometimes the anticipation of consequences is the most threatening part of the process. Once that sword of Damocles has actually fallen, despite the destruction that goes with it, you might feel relief that you no longer have to wonder wether or not it will fall. There’s a strange satisfaction that can come with surviving catastrophe. A “near miss” can even be exhilarating, like narrowly avoiding a car accident. As the dust settles around you, you will likely be concerned with the loss and damage that surrounds you but try to occasionally marvel at the fact that you are still breathing! Sure it can still get worse but if the ball has already dropped you can at least drop your anxieties about the ball dropping.
Perspective - You have been hurt but not entirely obliterated. This is a near miss which can help you recognize and appreciate the few aspects of life that haven’t been ruined. The sky is still blue and the forest is still green. Oscar Wilde said that we are all in the gutter, at least some of us are looking at the stars. Your perspective has undoubtedly changed and while you may be more paranoid and pessimistic you may also have a greater appreciation for the small things that you used to take for granted. The beauty is that deep life satisfaction relies primarily on those small things to begin with so this might be the drastic change needed to help you put more focus on the precious small things that can save you.
Finding out who your friends are - You have lost many connections which is painful but think how remarkable it is that some people have stayed by your side despite the high social cost of doing so. So many professionals and leaders are good at looking like they know what they are doing but when disaster strikes and their skill is put to the test we find out who really is competent. The same goes with your friends. Unfortunately, many of your “friends” knew how to play the role when it suited them but when you needed them most they either didn’t know how or were not willing to be there for you. Your social death will help you discover in short order who is actually your friend. You might be surprised who falls through and who steps up. What’s beautiful is that those who see you through this ordeal will have cemented themselves as friends for life. Bonds are forged in difficult times and these new friends will provide you with connection and reliability that you may have never experienced before. Research shows that having a friend you see regularly gives the same boost in life satisfaction as would a $100,000 raise. With just a few close friends, in terms of happiness, you could make up for your material losses and exceed your previous happiness levels.
A new appreciation for liberty and civility - At this point you are likely wishing that everyone would just leave you alone. Before you may have wanted fame and fortune and now you crave anonymity and peace. Eventually the news of your disgrace will go old and someone else will take your place in the public eye. This time around you will be less likely to join the mob in condemning the new sacrificial lamb. You come to realize that society needs norms and consequences for those who step outside them. That justice and safety is important but also that there are plenty of people in our system who can do a decent job in ensuring that justice is fulfilled. There is little reason for us to get involved in most cases. There’s a freedom that comes from leaving the judgment to the judges. You may now find yourself with a renewed appreciation for living and letting live. It’s embarrassing to think back to when you had the pitch fork in your hand. Perhaps now when someone else falls in disgrace, whether apparently deservingly or not, you may find yourself with some empathy towards them. You come to realize how important treating each other with respect and kindness is. You see how valuable and fragile liberty is.
This is not meant to be a silver lining pep talk, this really could be the ticket to understanding and appreciating the purpose of life. If you’re currently in a position of disgrace I do not envy you at all and I wish you the quickest and healthiest route out of your troubles but don’t let this suffering be for nothing. Your hell will illuminate the steps to heaven. Every situation has advantages and disadvantages. Your advantage now is that you have nothing to do except learn the meaning of your life and pursue it from the bottom up. Most of what you have lost was not going to make you happy to begin with. Now you can rebuild with a much stronger foundation.