When your true character is exposed
For our purposes here the assumption is that you or someone you know has made a mistake or is being accused of something that drastically effects your public image. When this happens to a person there will be many who believe that this is an unveiling of their true character. That the accused was masquerading as a good person and finally their true nature has been exposed. This is a guide to help you navigate a sudden drop in public perception.
First, on those who are salivating at your fall from grace, we should understand why someone would be so interested in the shortcomings of others. Schadenfreude is a term often used to describe a “malicious joy” or pleasure derived from the misfortune of others. We all do it to some extent. We especially like to see those who are on their high horses fall off spectacularly; the self-righteous preacher or the wealthy politician. It plays to our sense of cosmic justice. We resent people who gain status in an unfair or unscrupulous manner so it’s satisfying to see them be returned to earth where the rest of us sinners live. We should be careful not to over indulge our schadenfreude as it ends up becoming a signal of our own envious and resentful state. If we are enjoying the demise of another human being who’s true nature is now on display?
Those who use social media to enact “social justice” believe they are good guys, and why shouldn’t they? Someone has transgressed against a social norm, or at least allegedly so, and someone else needs to be the executioner to make sure the consequences are fully felt and put on display so as to dissuade anyone else from daring to transgress in the same way. It is social vigilantism to keep us all safer, right? The problem with this theory is that research suggests that the motivation for social justice is often coming less from a place of a desire to do good or from moral outrage and more from schadenfreude and sadism. Sadism might seem like an over exaggeration but let’s break down the difference between it and its quasi-synonymous German cousin. Schadenfreude is taking pleasure in seeing someone’s misfortune but sadism is taking pleasure in causing it. See it now? If you find yourself joining the mob to bring down a wrong-doer there is a good chance that instead of defending that which is righteous and good, you have actually stumbled upon the perfect scenario to justify your inner sadist. Usually we don’t have a proper license to attack someone viciously, but when we think we have the moral clearance to do so? Watch out!
We love it when an ideology or belief system validates our own vices and portrays them as virtues. Renowned psychologist Jonathan Shedler believes that “the most toxic and hateful people in the world are 100% convinced they fight for what is true and right. They find a way to give free rein to their cruelty, to attack, to treat others cruelly and viciously. And they find allies to cheer them on who also believe that they are on the side of all this is true and good.”
If you are on the receiving side of a “dogpiling” you are placed in a difficult bind. Advocating for your innocent makes you appear more guilty. Attempting to explain your side makes it look like you are making excuses for your mistake. The mob wants accountability and an apology but if they get it they will use it against you even further. They think that your mistake has uncovered your true evil nature and they now expect your full monstrous self to emerge. The goal is not for restitution but to expose you as an ogre so that you can be removed. This means that your reaction to being cancelled becomes extremely important.
People will be cruel to you. They do so partly because we are social creatures who believe in consequences for bad behaviour and that’s fair, but they also do it because of the license it grants their inner sadist and this will not end in your favour. When we face adversity it is understandable and tempting to respond with our own vitriol in self defence. We may wish ill on those who try to take us down and find ways to enact our own revenge. Perhaps our own secret smear campaign against them or an organized character attack, all is fair in psychological warfare no? But this is what the enemy expects. Your mistakes brought out the ugliest parts of them which they project onto you. If you act like the monster they are certain you are, then you validate their initial judgment.
No one believes they are the bad guy. They can’t recognize the hate and destruction that resides in them so they project their own demons onto someone else, in this case you, who becomes the vessel that contains the evil. When that evil resides in someone else, it can now be recognized and destroyed. When you show them your misery and rage you confirm their suspicions that you were always secretly like this and now your evil has been exposed. They expect you to be miserable and vindictive because you’re a bad person.
I’m not a fan of denying feelings but be careful about displaying your misery and your anger to the wrong people. As painful as your experience may be, not every deserves to see your hurt and vulnerability. Hopefully you have a few safe and caring people with whom you can express your “negativity”. It’s important to recognize the opportunity you have to demonstrate your true character. not the one that they expect to see but the one that indicates that you are in fact, not a monster, and that while this is a difficult moment in your life you are succeeding at learning from your mistakes and being a better person in the long run. The people who expect you to be a miserable monster will be confused when they see you laughing with loved ones and living successfully.
Depending on your situation, if you’re getting piled on you will probably want to take a significant break from public life. In the meantime you should be dedicating as much energy and time as you can muster to improving your self and your relationships. Your success in these realms will be the best testament of your character. For what better way to demonstrate your character than in the face of severe adversity.
And if you’re still motivated to get revenge against those who delighted in observing and causing your demise, take some ancient advice from one of the great stoics, Seneca.
The best revenge is to not be like your enemy.