Why when you hurt, you hurt
Because bad times often get worse and worse times bring out the worst in you, when you are hurting there is a risk that you will also hurt someone else. The pain spreads, mutates, and leaves a wake of damage and emotional destruction. If you ever find yourself caught up in this never ending chain of victimizing and being the victim; of sin and sorrow, you will understand the difficulty in managing your pain while mitigating the consequences of your own misdeeds.
Recall in the height of COVID-19, how those of us who were of relative low risk lived in fear of transmitting the virus to someone more vulnerable than us. Many of us faced the dilemma of having to care for and protect others while we ourselves were ill. What do I do when I am sick, and likely contagious, but my dependent child requires my aid and affection? What most of us did is we took care of others regardless and if they got COVID as well we blamed it on someone else. But then we all had it and while your body ached and you didn’t feel like getting out of bed you still felt the obligation to tend to those you likely infected.
A lot of the pain you have caused other people is like this. Maybe you have been unfaithful in a relationship or have violated someone’s trust who is close to you. From a clinical point of view, you could probably reflect on your life story and draw a reasonable line of causation from some of your past traumas and experiences that have lead to your infraction. It could help you feel less shame to recognize that the abuse you endured or the genes you inherited or the bad example you lived through impacted you to the extent that any reasonable person could understand why you did what you did. It’s very tempting to search for the explanations of our behaviour with the hopes that we can gain sympathy from otherwise judgemental people. One way this creates problems though is when those whom we have hurt seek our understanding and support only to be met with explanations that sound like excuses.
In your own therapy and supportive relationships you will need to flesh out the “reasons” for your mistakes but be careful when using this type of thinking with your loved ones who are also in need to healing. Your selfish acts have lead to the suffering of others, you do not want your recovery to be marred by selfishness as well. It’s healthy to admit that you need help but so do those whom you have hurt and ideally you would have the ego strength and patience to be there for them.
What might that look like?
Start by attempting to understand their pain. They are suffering, largely because of you, but they are also suffering alone and you know what that is like. Instead of trying to cheer them up or assuage their pain with bold promises, focus on meeting them where they are at and gaining a deeper understanding of what they are experiencing. You do not need to, nor do you know how to save them from the hurt you’ve caused. Instead you can demonstrate to them that as unfair as all this pain is, you will not let them suffer alone. You won’t be able to empathize entirely but even the attempt to understand their experience will be helpful.
When appropriate, let your body do the talking. Sometimes people can get bogged down in the intellectualization of a catastrophe. Trying to dissect every aspect of you or your loved one’s suffering might not amount to very much useful insight. Instead you might consider, if the other is willing, to hold hands, embrace, and rest heads on each other’s shoulders. Much of the pain of betrayal is incorporated. It’s physical energy that needs physical healing. You may not also have the green light for a hug but when it is appropriate and welcomed you might find more mutual healing when you cry into each other’s shoulders than from the conversations you have that tend to go in circles and enrage both of you.
Whatever you do, keep the focus of the conversation on their experience and hurt. Trying to explain your actions and emphasize the systemic reasons you caused pain, as valid as they might be, will not heal anyone else’s wounds. There is balance required here. Likely, in your attempt to be there for your loved one, you will focus on being accountable. You will admit that you caused their pain and that it was your fault. You’ll obsess about what you can do to make it better, you’ll offer a foot rub or flowers. You will write out your fifth apology letter and none of it will land. Why not? Because your “accountability” still sounds selfish. It sounds like the efforts you are taking to regain innocence, and maybe there is an element of this that is necessary but for now, what is more important, is understanding what your loved one is feeling and being there for them. Don’t worry about “making it better” just yet. Show your loved one that you get it, at least somewhat, and that you aren’t going anywhere.
Your promises to never hurt anyone again are shallow. You didn’t want to hurt anyone previously either. You cannot guarantee that you will be perfect from here on out. In fact, you might still be suffering so much still that I would wager that you would hurt someone else’s feelings in the near future. Just because you have better insights now doesn’t mean you will never repeat your mistakes or something similar. Through painful experience you will likely be more cautious with your words and deeds than you were before but you will still let someone down somewhere at some time in the future. Your promises won’t heal anybody’s wound.
Being accountable means taking responsibility for your actions, yes, but it also means putting aside guilt and blame so that you can attend to the actual damage. It’s like admitting you started a fire without even attempting to put it out. Who care at that point?
The beauty of this is that no matter how destructive your actions have been there is a chance for you to increase your ability to heal someone you love, even if it was you that hurt them to begin with. This is why some couples get closer after infidelity, why some business partners have more trusting and productive relationships after resolving conflict, and some of the most trustworthy and down to earth people in your life are those with the specific skillset and scar-set that come from having done someone wrong and not only recovered from the guilt and shame but helped their victim recover as well.