Avoiding bitterness and resentment
Who has a more valid reason to be bitter than he who has lost everything? Surely we wouldn’t begrudge someone their negativity after having experienced so much loss and trauma. They’ve earned it. The least we can do is excuse their resentful attitude and remove all expectations of decency. If anyone needs a license to be awful it’s them.
When we observe someone totally obliterated it is difficult to manage the right combination of compassion patience and encouraging motivation. If we come in with the latter too soon and too strong we seem insensitive but if we only offer unconditional positive regard, we might miss opportunities to inspire growth and actual recovery.
When we are the obliterated, this dynamic plays out internally. The pain is horrific and we long for the comfort and peace of a resolution to our problems. At the same time, the challenge of going through the growing pains associated with progress are so daunting that we often opt out and return to our lowly state. If I remain pitiful then at least no one will expect anything of me.
Tragedy happens to all of us, in varying degrees and flavours but it is a guarantee in life. Tragedy only becomes hell though, when we become resentful. 1
We know of people, and perhaps even know people directly, who have lost big or who have very little to begin with. Their health is shot, their finances are depleted, and their status is low. Yet they face each day with relative joy and positivity. How do they do it? How do they do it when many of us live in relative luxury and “privilege” but suffer in misery?
Some of the most powerful moral examples in history come from figures who suffered well. Men and women who faced unspeakable anguish and hardship, who largely did not deserve their troubles, but suffered through them with poise and grace all the same. They and all the others who struggle and suffer but remain in relative good spirits do so with the power of gratitude. It is the antidote or at lease the antithesis to resentment.
We can and still will at times afford those who suffer the room to be bitter and resentful for a while. They have indeed earned it. But do they not deserve something better as well? Have they not also earned the opportunity to show poise and humility in the face of adversity?
If it is you in the depths of despair, do not assume that writing a gratitude journal will remove all bitterness from your heart, but it’s a good place to start. Not everyone will understand or appreciate your unique version of hell but for those of us familiar with hell in general you are now in the club. The club of Ghandi, of Job and of Eleanor Roosevelt who said,
Anyone who has gone through great suffering is bound to have a greater sympathy and understanding of the problems of mankind.
By reflecting on what you still have you can gain strength and perspective. Even more powerful is that you can be grateful for your trials and what they have shown you and what they have shown about you. We shouldn’t seek unnecessary suffering but we’ll find it anyway, and when we do we need to find a way to make the best use of it.
How to do so is tricky and will depend on your specific situation. The important piece is to recognize that maintaining gratitude during the storm is a crucial task and will be the key not just to surviving the storm but to rebuilding into a stronger version of yourself afterward.
Whether is a 12 step program, a Buddhist meditation, or psychedelic assisted therapy one of the key aspects of moving through difficulty is accepting your situation for what it IS. The deep lasting pain comes from trying to turn it into something it isn’t. You are suffering. You messed up. You’ve been unfairly hurt. And so it is. This is how your story is going and your story will always include this aspect.
We don’t lament Luke’s amputated hand or Harry’s scar on his forehead. They were hurt and disfigured by the contact with their nemesis and so it is. In fact, those elements make their stories even more compelling. I’m sure Luke is not grateful that his hand was severed by his Dad’s light saber but like a true Jedi master he accepts it for what it is and continues forward. Perhaps it is what was needed in order to bring about balance to the force in the end.
Many aspects of your story you will wish had not happened the way they did. But they did. Your task now is to accept it for what it is and find the opportunity before you. Bitterness comes from trying to change the past. It will not work. The way through is acceptance and gratitude and it’s possible.
The Adventure of Truth as an Antidote to Suffering.Douglas Murray on the Jordan B Peterson Podcast.