Are there benefits to being ashamed?
One of the most influential speakers on the topic of addiction in the late 20th century was Dr. John Bradshaw. He helped us see the connection between internalized shame and our maladaptive behaviours. He made the distinction between a healthy shame that helped us recognize our bad behaviour and motivated us towards change and the toxic version that made us believe we were inherently bad and needed to hide ourselves form the world. Healthy shame says I made a mistake, toxic shame says I am a mistake.
These days the popular authority on the subject is Dr. Brene Brown. She rejects the idea that any shame can be healthy and substitutes the word guilt. The point stands that some self corrective emotions will motivate us to try and make it right after we cause damage (guilt/healthy shame) and others make us feel like there is no point in even trying because we are a lost cause and would lose all esteem and love form our fellow man if anyone ever discovered the extent of our evil.
Some might think that if a person accused or condemned for a mistake commits suicide it is because of the overwhelming pressure of their guilty conscious. Research suggests otherwise. Shame is a better predictor of suicide than guilt 1. The focus of guilt is on the act and how the guilty person regrets it and wishes to make restitution. The focus of shame is on the self, the one who acted, and how the act has rendered the person unworthy of connection. Shame is the fear of negative appraisals of others and the internal agreement of those appraisals and this is what is far more likely to lead to suicidal ideations2
In today’s world, we spend plenty of resources on suicide prevention. Organizations create suicide prevention plans, entire fleets of workers are trained in suicide risk assessments, and suicide awareness campaigns are plastered over the walls of our institutions. Recently, U.S. President Biden committed over $230 million dollars in grants to suicide prevention. Often the focus is on at risk populations like racial and sexual minorities. There is one key at risk demographic that seems to be outside the target of any of these interventions I have seen; the ashamed. Being socially shunned is a huge factor in suicidal ideations and yet we can’t seem to let go of our inclination to punish wrongdoers.
The truth is, shaming is obviously bad for the individual but it appears to have an adaptive function for the collective. By shaming those who transgress against the group we can punish the guilty and deter other potential sinners. This is most evident in honour based societies who use shame to police its members. Here is an excerpt from Ruth Benedict’s3 description of how Japanese culture fits this mold.
A society that inculcates absolute standards of morality and relies on men’s developing a conscience is a guilt culture by definition.... In a culture where shame is a major sanction, people are chagrined about acts which we expect people to feel guilty about. This chagrin can be very intense and it cannot be relieved, as guilt can be, by confession and atonement.... Where shame is the major sanction, a man does not experience relief when he makes his fault public even to a confessor.True shame cultures rely on external sanctions for good behavior, not, as true guilt cultures do, on an internalized conviction of sin. Shame is a reaction to other people’s criticism.
While this is evident in more collectivist societies it’s not entirely uncommon in our individualistic Western world either. It seems that as we have moved away from a religious based ‘guilt culture’ based on internalized healthy shame, we have moved towards an externalized toxic shame where we look to criticize others in order to maintain a semblance of societal order and collective morality.
Another reason we might be resorting to more public shaming is that we have lost the faith in our institutional methods of doling out justice. Presumably, we would have systems of law and other checks and balances that ensure that transgressors are held accountable and met with fair but sufficient consequences. If we knew that our justice system, our professional associations, and other institutions were adequately policing themselves then we might be less inclined to pick up the pitch forks. Our natural state was one of retributional justice. If you shamed me and my family I needed to retaliate against yours in order to maintain my honour. If the “system” could take care of it, I no longer have the burden of needing to exact revenge. It seems, at least for many online citizens, this is not longer the case.
Here is my prayer for social justice.
May those who purposefully violate the well-being of others be addressed and brought to justice by a fair and understanding authority. May those violated regain the confidence to live and act in this relatively safe but uncertain world. May the burden of revenge be lifted from my shoulders and from those of anyone else who is constrained by resentment and grievance. May all of us who transgress learn to change and value the well-being of our community and the individuals who comprise it. May the pressures of society motivate our behaviour towards goodness and love and not shame, isolation, and suicide.
Lester D. The role of shame in suicide. Suicide Life Threat Behav. 1997 Winter;27(4):352-61. PMID: 9444730.
Bering, J. M., & Shackelford, T. K. (2004). The Causal Role of Consciousness: A Conceptual Addendum to Human Evolutionary Psychology. Review of General Psychology, 8(4), 227–248. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.8.4.227
Ruth Benedict, The Chrysanthemum and the Sword, (Tokyo: Charles E. Tuttle Company, 1954) 222-23.
Well done.